Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Busy, busy, busy

Even though we have movers come and pack everything up and haul it all away, there is a ton of stuff that we have been doing. Cleaning out our clothing, kids clothes, stuff that has been packed away and forgotten. Things we don't need/use anymore that could put us over the weight limit for the move.

Cleaning the garage and getting everything broken down for the movers to take has been a pain. Packing everything that we are going to need to keep with us, and making sure to keep it in a special spot so the movers don't pack it.

We've also (re: I) have been looking up Realtors online, looking for places to rent once we get there. It's difficult to find a place there that we can afford. We have to decide if we want to live closer to base and the ocean and pay a lot more money, or move farther out and have Jose drive 30-40 minutes to Tyndall every day. Looking at pics online is ok, but we need to be there and walk through the houses to make a better decision. There is one that has a built in pool, that really is appealing to me. We'll have to wait and see next week.

Our internet is being turned off tomorrow morning early, so this is it for a while. I might be able to post a bit from the road if I can find someone that doesn't have a secure network or we have free internet at one of the hotels along the way.

We'll see how my sanity holds up.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Moving very soon!

Well Jose scheduled the movers. They are coming next week. Thursday to pack, Friday to take all of our stuff away. I called and scheduled the phone/internet to be turned off on Thursday, same with DirectTV. Wow, it all seems like it just kind of snowballed.

When we move usually from overseas, we have tons of time. The movers come and pack us out and take it all away two months before we leave, we have six months notice that we would return stateside. Now, it's crazy. We are going to move 1000 miles away and we should have our stuff within a week or so.

I'm hoping we get there pretty quickly since school starts for the kids on the 2nd. I know we won't make that though. Not with Jose's final out on the 1st. Just not possible.

I'm having a hard time with not being so close to my Dad. He is having a hard time too. We have been getting ready to face it, but now that it's staring at us, within a week even, it's hard to come to terms with not seeing him whenever we want to. Sigh

I'm going to miss seeing him. We have bonded so much more since we moved here. Dad has gotten to see the kids grow over the last five years. He has gotten to see their unique personalities, etc. Now, we are going to be far away again. Even though we are still in the US, we might as well be overseas.

I'm torn. We hate this place, but I love being close to Dad. I'm so excited about going to Florida, living in such a beautiful place, the new surroundings, etc. I'm heartsick about not being within two hours of my Dad. What if he gets sick again? What if the Diabetes acts up? What if he has another heart attack?

I just have all of this running through my head. Sigh.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Whirlwind trip to Cali

Over the fourth of July weekend, J's mom was put in the hospital. Her heart stopped three times, they couldn't find a reason and sent her home. Last week, she had a stress test, failed miserably. I mean, she was hooked up, stood on the treadmill, and FAILED. The doctor admitted her and wanted to run an angiogram to see if there was blockage in her heart. We knew there wouldn't be, she is very health conscious. There was no blockage. Her bp was so weak they thought she would die but she's ALWAYS had low bp. They decided to put a pacemaker in, to regulate her heartbeat and it would also control the amount of beats per minute. Friday the pacemaker was put in and Jose and I decided we needed to be there. We flew out Saturday morning.

We get there and she is pale, weak, and looking very, very bad. We knew we did the right thing by flying out. We couldn't take the kids and didn't really want them to see her like that, which was best actually. She got home from the hospital the day we arrived because she would not stay at the hospital. We got to the house before she got home from the hospital. She walked in with help from Chava (Jose's dad) and looked at us. She started to SOB. It was so gut wrenching. We knew that the expense and hardship were worth that moment alone. She clung to him like a child. She looked so small and sad. I realized her mortality at that moment. She just wouldn't let go of him, she was sobbing and it was so hard. We were all crying after that.

We spent the next two and a half days telling her to STOP trying to take care of everyone else and rest. That her body needed her to slow down. She looked better each day. When we left she was walking better than we had seen her walk in a while. She had color in her skin again, she wasn't as tired. We knew it was the best she'd been in a long time.

What is so hard to realize is, she isn't that old. She is only in her 50's, she shouldn't be this sick. It has always been Chava that had the heart problems, the one we thought we'd get that midnight call about. Now we have to readjust our view of them. Chava is taking care of Cuca now, he even cooks her meals. It is a huge change.

We came home and are trying to get ready to move out of here and get to Florida. Things are so chaotic right now. We just need to get this move done. With this new added worry, it's difficult to move further away from Cali.

My MIL told me she was sorry for all of the years of hardship she gave me. All of the things she said, everything she did to show me that I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't part of the "family". She had been different to me for the last few years (5) anyway, I knew I had worked my way in. But her apologizing, it made me cry. We held each other and I feel like a daughter now. I love her and the past is over, that is what I said to her. It doesn't matter, the past is the past. Jose and his Dad were in tears too.

After 10 years of marriage I felt the shift from his family. Now it has been 14 years of marriage and I know that we are all on the right path. I feel so loved and accepted now. Even Jose's dad who wouldn't do more than grunt in my direction in the early years, hugs me, talks to me, accepts me. It was a cathartic visit for all of us. I'm so glad that so much healing could happen to us all.

I know I'll blog on this more later, I'm still tired and really just emotionally sore after this weekend. I need to let all of this sink in. It took 10 years to be accepted instead of tolerated. The last four to feel as a fringe relative, to be accepted. I know it will take some time for me to digest this new phase. I'm just really happy right now about the relationships and the way we left them in Cali.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Getting old.............

Last week something new happened in my life. Heartburn. Something I never faced as a pregnant woman. Hard to believe, four pregnancies and not one bout of heartburn. Anyway, last week in the middle of the night, I wake up to a feeling I have NEVER felt before, for a while there I seriously thought I was having a heart attack. Wondered if I could call 911 on myself, the pain was so unbelievable. The whole middle of my body, all the way around my back felt like I was being stabbed with a hot knife, over and over again.

I didn't do anything about it but suffer. At first I thought, it must have been that brownie I ate. I can't possibly have become allergic to chocolate, I considered suicide at that thought. ;O Then I wondered if it were the aforementioned heart attack. I didn't know what was wrong with me, after about 2.5 hours of serious pain (greater than childbirth in some respects) it went away. Whew, big sigh of relief!!

A few days later, I tempted to eat another brownie (liken it to getting pregnant again after a horrible birth, you DO tend to forget). So, no pain. A big sigh of relief from me, I'll tell ya! Then last night, I wake up at about 4 am, again with that horrible pain. I took a flexeril (didn't even take the edge off) waited for about 30 minutes for the pain pill to kick in. Nope, didn't work. Then I took a naproxen, hoping THAT would tame the monster pain. Nope. So I get up and decide to look up heartburn online.

Thank the GODS for google. I type in that handy dandy little box "heartburn relief" and find a few million hits. Well, I start clicking through my pain. I find that peppermint will take care of it. I grab a fuzzy mint from my purse (glad those things were shrink wrapped, but I would have eaten it from the sidewalk to get rid of that pain). In about 10 minutes the horrible pain was GONE. I was amazed.

So now I've realized that after the traumas of pregnancy/birth/lots of good food, etc. My body is starting to hate me. What have I done to you?!?! Haven't I given in to every whim and desire? Haven't I skipped that exercise we both loathe? Haven't I been good to you (in every bad way of course)??? Sigh, time to start taking better care I guess. At least I can put forth an effort.

On a different note about the same topic. Sally and I took the monsters, errrrr, kids to the pool out by her house yesterday. We were cringing as we watched the kids doing flips off the diving board. We reminisced about doing wild things in our younger days. I never had fear of pain as much as I do now as a grown up.

I seriously think that is what stops us as adults from doing physical harm to ourselves, fear! Seriously think about the things you did as a child. Would you do HALF of them now? Not me, I'll tell ya that much.

I used to be fine with driving a car without a seat belt, now I get pissed at strangers for not using theirs. I've turned into a huge MOM. lol. I wouldn't wear a helmet when riding a bike, I would flip off the diving boards, back flip even. I would run across the street not caring if a car was half a block away (or less). I would do many of the things I warn my kids not to do.

So, I'm 32 and I'm old. At least I don't wear my pants up under my boobs (or is it boobs down to the pants? hmmmm......). At least I'm not decrepit yet. YET. Talk to me in a few years. Maybe when I'm 42? lol

Leaving the Asscrack of America (for a few days)

Jose graduates on Thursday from NCOA. I'm driving down there to spend a few days with him. My dad is taking the kids. This is going to be the last time for a long while that we get to spend some time alone.

Once we move to Florida, there won't be family close by to take them for a day or so. We are used to going off on our own at least once a year. That's going to suck. lol Weird what you get spoiled about.

Hopefully we'll enjoy our last days alone together. ;)

Friday, July 07, 2006

The wound that never heals

My best friend had court today to finish hashing out custody of her daughter with her ex (heretofore to be known as Assjuice or AJ for short).

Now, a little background, I have been friends w/ her for 9 years. She was married to AJ when we first met in England. She left AJ, and moved to Oklahoma. We later got stationed 20 miles from where she lived.

Anyhow, it has taken five years to settle this issue (it's not settled b/c AJ likes to f*ck with my friends life). So as I sat there listening in court, I just became so down about the whole process. It's so depressing to realize that something so big (marriage) ended this way. With a child being hurt. A child that is afraid to say what she wants. A child that must forever have two different addresses, a life split in half because two people couldn't make their marriage work.

I understand that marriages fail all the time. I guess I have a certain insight since I was a child of divorce. It's a wound that never heals. There always has to be sides. The "good" parent and the "bad" parent. And of course there are the rules of play. One parent bashing the other so the child thinks badly about someone who created them. The other parent who is the "fun" parent.

Being a kid is hard enough without having that added stress. I just want to fast forward her life so that the pain and hurt to come will not leave a scar. I see her future and it's painful to watch from the front row.

I try to tell my friend to take the high road (which she does, EVERY SINGLE TIME) that it will get better in time, that E will see with her own eyes and heart what her AJ father is doing to her emotionally. I want to take the pain. I want............ I want to make things better for my best friend and her daughter.

Not only is my friend and her daughter being hurt by this, her other children are as well. They are losing out on their sisters time. I wish that I had been given a bigger role in my sister's life.

In the end, all I can do is be available to my friend and her daughter. Sometimes life just sucks.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Sleeping in?

Why is it that during the school year I must DRAG my younger children (7 & 5) out of bed at 7:00 am but during summer vacation they are up at the crack ass of dawn? Now, that doesn't bother me, what bothers me is them coming in and waking ME up at the crack ass of dawn.

It doesn't matter what time they go to bed. 7:30 is their normal bedtime. Even if I let them stay up till midnight, they are not sleeping in. What is with that? They refuse to nap (I WANT A NAP!!) and they are cranky as hell.

They really don't realize that their lives are in jeopardy if I hear that disgusting whine come from them again. (Not really for those of you that don't know me) Seriously though, I wish school would start. LOL.

I don't remember being in the house this much as a kid. A friend and I were talking about this last week. Jose and I also discussed this. He says I'm to easy on the kids, I need to toss them out and that's that. They make excuses to stay in the house. LOL. Excuses such as, "Is it lunchtime yet" or "I haven't eaten yet" that great oldie but goodie, "I'm thirsty" Since there are four of them, they coordinate to constantly have the door swinging open and closed. Never closed for long mind you.

Anyway, Sally and I were discussing this last week, about how we were locked out, handed sandwiches through the window, and had to (gasp!!!) drink from the hose. Since we were girls, we were occasionally allowed in the house to pee, but we were monitored from behind the closed door. As soon as the toilet flushed, we were ushered back to the door, with a loud clicking of the lock hitting home as our sendoff.

Maybe we are too easy on the kids. They must constantly be entertained. I know some of it is our fault. We lived in England for a long time, it was ugly and cold most of the year. Then we get here to Oklahoma and it's HOT and humid.

Maybe I should try and be more like Mom (DID THAT REALLY COME FROM ME?!?!) and throw them out. Hmm. You know, she doesn't remember ever actually throwing us out. I wonder if my memory will go when I have grandchildren.

Back to sleeping in, sorry for the digression. LOL. I want to go back to sleep. I guess as soon as I'm old enough to pee with the door closed again, I'll get to sleep in. Too bad I'll be incontinent then and no longer wish to sleep for more than 4 hours at a stretch.

Enjoy the summer. :P

Creation is hard work!

I've finally gotten into the whole blog thing. I don't think I'm that interesting actually, so this is a test to see if I can keep up. I know that I'm a fun person to be around, hang out, etc. I just don't know how well that will transfer to a blog. My quick wit and cutting remarks sometimes sound a lot snarky when taken without inflection. LOL.

We are getting ready to move to Florida. I'm actually quite nervous since we have never moved from one state to another. Whenever we've moved it's been overseas, so this is a whole new issue for us. I'm worried about finding a decent place to rent, a place that will take dogs, we can't live without Sammie girl! We just can't. It's hard enough right now, since she is staying at my Dad's house. We miss her! :(

Jose is still away at school. He graduates next Thursday. I'm so tired of this being apart crap. Life just seems that much harder whenever he is away. It's something we deal with constantly. Part of something that it seems I should be used to after all this time. Unfortunately, it isn't easier. It seems to get harder. Having a man that is not only my husband, but my best friend, my soul mate is wonderful but makes the separations that much harder.

Military life is so unglamorous. LOL.

I think that's enough for today. Don't want to bore people. Sorry if I already have, you don't have to subject yourselves to this. ;)

I'll get some pics posted pretty soon. Still figuring this whole thing out. Re: Still figuring out if this will be worth the effort. :P